Tired or Overwhelmed? Try This.

Do you notice what your mind says upon waking in the morning?

I do.

It goes like this:

I AM TIRED!

(Then it calculates the number of hours before I can sleep again and runs through all of the tasks in between). Sigh.

But let’s go back to: I AM TIRED!

Joel Olsteen points out the power of “I am;” whatever follows “I am” will determine your experience. You are inviting it into your life.

Here are two ways to handle such unhelpful thoughts:

  1. Replace the thought.

Now if you’re feeling tired, your mind isn’t going to buy a replacement thought like “I am energetic.” But how about “I can handle this;” “I am going to feel so much better after I shower.” Or the best thought, “Coffee is ready!”

  1. Preface the thought with I am having the thought that…

This gives you some space from the thought so that it doesn’t take over your whole person. ‘I’m having the thought that I’m tired.” Even more space: I notice that I’m having the thought that I’m tired.:” It takes a bit of the sting out the thought, right?

“I’m so overwhelmed” becomes “I am having the thought that I am so overwhelmed.” Instead of “I’m stressed,” try, “My mind is telling me stressful thoughts.”

Of course you can use these strategies any time of the day when you notice you’re mind saying “I am… (insert deflating, unhelpful adjective or noun).”

10 Ways To Make Yourself Miserable

  1. Compare yourself to those around you. Even better: Compare your insides to everyone’s outsides. Best: Compare your insides to everyone’s social media outsides. Proceed to despair.

  2. Resist uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Buffer (avoid/control/numb) the discomfort by keeping busy, eating, drinking, scrolling…

  3. Ignore your truth, pretend, and please everyone. Make sure you hide your flaws and insecurities and wrap yourself in a pretty package so that you will be acceptable and belong.

  4. Blame others for what you are feeling and for what’s not going right in your life. In this effort to transfer the pain you are feeling onto someone else, you hand over your power to take action to change things for the better.

  5. Hold grudges. Do not forgive. Treat others kindly and respectfully only if they treat you in such ways.

  6. Believe your mind when it tells you that you are not enough - not good enough, thin enough, rich enough, smart enough, certain enough, safe enough.  Listen to your ego when it tells you that you are what you have, what you do, and what other people think of you.

  7. Avoid discomfort by not doing hard things, even if they are important to you.

  8. Don’t ask for help. Believe that asking for help makes you weak and not enough (see # 6).

  9. Believe that you are the only one who thinks, feel, or does the above.

  10. Don’t hire a life coach to help you disrupt these patterns. :)

The Two Lies Anxiety is Whispering in Your Ear

I was listening to a podcast the other day (I start many sentences with this phrase), in which Ellen Hendriksen named the two lies of anxiety:

  1. The worst case scenario is definitely going to happen.

  2. You can’t handle it anyway.

In other words, that thing you worry about, the worst, is inevitable.

And when it happens, you won’t be able to cope. You’re not tough enough, capable, smart, or strong enough to handle it.

The problem with these lies? They keep us from doing (scary) things that are important.

When we believe these lies, we keep our lives small.

What if you believed, that no matter what happened, you could handle it? You could do your best and that would be enough?

You would probably take more action toward things that are important.

You would avoid less.

Or maybe you would just relax a little more.

Here are a couple of things to do to silence the lies of anxiety:

  1. You can gather evidence to dispute the lies.

  2. You can take yourself through the worst-case scenario.

I’ll give you an example.

I have a fear that when my husband is gone overnight, someone will break into my house and do terrible things to my kids an me. Not fun to think about, right? It makes it hard to sleep, which makes it hard to do anything else.

Years ago, my brilliant life coach helped me with this. Now she could have just helped me gather evidence as to why this worst case scenario was very unlikely to happen (where we live, dog, lights, statistics, living through many nights…), which was helpful. This calmed my mind but my mind could still argue the possibility.

So my coach also walked me through the worst case scenario. . Where would someone break in, where would I be, where would the kids and dog be, how would I get to them and get out…so I ended up with a plan. I felt empowered. This coaching session was many years ago and I still think about it because it was so powerful.

The worst was unlikely to happen. But even if the worst happened (and I am not denying that the worst would be awful), I could handle it.

I saw through the lies of anxiety.

I sleep much better these days. I hope you do too.

Would you like to talk about how to let go of the lies? I have a special coaching day this Tuesday, October 16th.

How To Organize Your Thoughts

Lately I have had the desire to do much clearing of clutter. A certain degree of this is normal for me. I love the words “organize” and “clear.” The Container Store is exciting to me and I follow interior designers on Instagram just for the opportunity to view beautiful spaces. I also have a friend who sends me photos of cabinets and rooms she has de-cluttered and we proceed to exchange enthusiastic emojis.

There is much information out there on how to organize your physical space.

But what about your mental space?

You need an organized mind so that you can have an organized life.

Organization involves classifying items or arranging them into categories.

We have tens of thousands of thoughts per day so let’s get to know them.

Let’s start by taking a look at the categories of thoughts.

Keeping it simple, consider 6 categories:

  1. Rules - What rigid rules does you mind have regarding your work, relationships and life in general? Does your mind tell you that you have to get rid of your anxiety before you take action? That “life shouldn’t be this way?” Notice red flag words like: should, have to, can’t, don’t, right, wrong, if-then phrases…”If he doesn’t respect me, then I’m not going to respect him.”

  2. Reasons- What reason does your mind give you for why you can’t do something? “I am too tired to workout,” ‘It’s in my genes,” “I never finish what I start.”

  3. Judgments- Our minds are judgment machines! This can be helpful if you’re deciding on a purchase or the nutritional value of a food. But how many times does your mind tell you, “I’m too sensitive,” “This sucks,” “Anxiety is a problem.”

  4. Past- What stories does your mind tell you about the past? What does it say about past failures or mistakes? What does it regret?

  5. Future - What are your worries about the future? What is on your to-do list? What are your plans?

  6. Self - What does your mind say about you? How does it describe you? What is your identity? “I’m not good enough,” “I don’t need help,” “I’m anxious,” “I’m an introvert.”

Why does it help to describe your thoughts? Because the better you get to know your mind, the better you can manage it.

If you can stand back and watch your mind, you’re not caught up in the thoughts swirling around.

You can catch your mind in the act. “Ah ha, I hear you mind and you’re throwing out all of sorts of reasons why this isn’t going to work/get better/change. I see what you’re up to.” You can notice the thoughts that are not helping you be who you want to be, do what you want to do or produce desired results in your life.

You can then use strategies (another post or a coaching session) to get some space from those thoughts so they have less impact on you.

Would you like some help downloading the thoughts swirling around in your head? Schedule a coaching session to start de-cluttering your mind.

Find me here: maura@blueprintlifedesign,com

Mini Course in Confidence

How would your life be different if you had more confidence?

I have taught the Confidence Course to a group of people. Now is your chance for a mini course tailored to your life. Here is what we will cover:

  • Session #1: Identifying how your life would be different if you had more confidence and pinpointing which of the five main causes of low self-confidence may apply to you in a particular area.

  • Session #2: Practicing tools to detach from thoughts that sabotage your confidence and clarifying the person you want to be, what matters most.

  • Session #3: Handling fear and anxiety so they have less impact on you.

Each session is 50 minutes over the phone with an individual client. Topics may vary depending on individual need. The content is designed to help you develop genuine confidence to perform better in your work & relationships. 

Investment: $297

Includes:

  • Confidence Course Worksheets

  • Three 50-minute coaching sessions over the phone

  • E-mail support between sessions

How to start? Schedule 3 sessions using my online calendar and I will be in touch.

Questions? Send them my way: maura@blueprintlifedesign.com

Your approach to confidence is very innovative and groundbreaking/paradigm-shifting."

-Kim, lawyer in Ontario, Canada

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How To Take the Shame Out of Your Biggest Problem

Think of a circumstance you wish did not exist in your life right now. Something you cannot change in this moment. For most of us, this is easy. It's something heavy on our minds.

Perhaps life has thrown you a serious punch: the death of a loved one, an illness, injury or disability, the loss of a job or relationship, infertility, betrayal, a mental health diagnosis.

Or perhaps you are riding the stressful waves of everyday life: relationship discord, family drama, an unrelenting boss, a job that sucks the life out of you, unwanted weight, debt.

Notice what your mind makes this situation mean. Does your mind make it mean something about you? That you really messed up, are deeply flawed and somehow different from everyone else?

Our minds love to take a circumstance and make it mean so much about the kind of people we are.

Here is something to try.

Take your problem and see it through this lens: as a natural disaster. 

I learned this tool years ago from Dr. Christine Carter when she mentioned accepting her divorce as more of a natural disaster than something she could stop from happening. Her thinking went like this: I am what I am and right now I am getting divorced. The best I can do right now is to be present in this situation, and deal with it as it comes. 

What happens when you see your problem as a natural disaster?

You take the shame (and blame) out of the problem.

Brene Brown defines shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.

Shame is not productive; it doesn’t help us improve or take effective action. It keeps us hiding and can lead to unhelpful behavior.

A natural disaster just happens. It can result in great loss and pain. But it doesn’t have the added meaning about the nature of the people involved.

Without shame, self-compassion and acceptance (essential steps in healing and problem-solving) come more easily.

When we offer ourselves a healthy dose of compassion (This is normal; I'm not the only one) and accept our situation instead of fighting and railing against it, we gain presence and take the most effective action.

We can ask ourselves:

"What do I want to stand for in the face of this?”

So stand tall, shoulders back. Love your people and do what you need to do. Don’t waste your gifts because you are caught up in a shame storm of unworthiness.

Show up for your life as the person you want to be (regardless of circumstances). That is all anyone can ask.

3 Steps To Get Your Life in Order

Do you ever feel like there are so many changes or improvements you want to make in your life that you don’t where to start? Or so many tasks or projects you don’t know what to tackle first? Maybe you’re feeling a little off-course, inauthentic or overwhelmed?

Me too.

It’s ok.

Here is what I have learned.

You can put your life in order by putting your loves in order.

This concept of putting “loves in order” comes from St. Augustine.

Our lives turn upside down and lack meaning when our loves are out of order.

If I gossip about a friend at a party, I am putting my love of popularity or approval above my love of friendship or loyalty.

If I consistently avoid my workout routine, I am putting my love of comfort over my love of health.

This is a tough one: If I constantly criticize my spouse’s parenting, I may be putting my love of parenting above my marriage. Is that ultimately what’s best for my kids?

How often do we value being right (and feeding our egos) over uncovering the truth (and strengthening a relationship) in an argument?

Lack of meaning, discontent, unhappiness and disorder stem from acting out of line with values.

Where to start?

1. Practice Acceptance

The first step is accepting that we cannot do or change everything at once. Yes, I would like my website re-done, files organized, appointments completed, house clean.. I want to set a workout routine, figure out the right foods and supplements…

All the things, ALL.RIGHT.NOW.

But when I think I need to do everything, I feel overwhelmed and paralyzed and don’t do anything.

Sit with the feelings that come with things undone or unchanged. The ability to sit with discomfort will keep you from habits of avoidance (eating, drinking, working, scrolling…)

Remind yourself that taking small steps will show your mind that progress is possible and give you momentum to keep going.

Even with all the things undone or unchanged, you are still okay, worthy, lovable.

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers

2. Put Your Loves in Order

It is worth sitting down and figuring out what is most important and putting your time, attention and energy there.

Turn to page 16 in my Blueprint for 2018 to guide you. Note adjectives and verbs in the life areas that apply to you.  Rank values in order of importance. Notice what is very important and in need of your attention to make your life workable and meaningful.

“What do I love? What are the things I really love? And in what order do I love them? Am I spending time on my highest love? Or am I spending time on a lower love?” - David Brooks as told to Oprah

3. Take the Next Right Step

Looking at the greatest discrepancies between how important a value is and how effectively you’re living by it, what is the next right move? To be more at ease with yourself? To make earth look a little more like heaven? To be more of the person you want to be and reach your goals?

If the next right action is spoken, what might you say in the next opportunity?

If the next right action is something you can schedule, put it in your calendar.  If a relationship is in need of your time and attention, can you schedule a time to be present and engaged with that person?

Then do the next right thing.

You can even budget your time across priorities the way I budget my money (I use a program called You Need a Budget in case you’re wondering): Take the time you have and first schedule what is most important. Then, with additional time, what is next in order of priority?

Repeat.

The way through the challenge is to get still and ask yourself, 'What is the next right move?' Not think about, 'Ooh, I got all of this to figure out.' What is the next right move? And then from that space, make the next right move and the next right move ... then you won't be overwhelmed by it, because you know your life is bigger than that one moment. - Oprah

You may wonder what beliefs are driving you to put your loves out of order or leading you to self-sabotage (hint: they may worries about what other people think or unhelpful beliefs about yourself). Get to know your thoughts and triggers and let go of unproductive habits and automatic reactions in 2 coaching sessions. Schedule here.

These Are the Life Skills You Didn't Learn in School

Life is kind of hard ALL OF THE TIME. School does not teach us how to...

  • Manage our minds and emotions
  • Think about our thinking
  • Identify our triggers and automatic reactions
  • Understand the coding that keeps us captive
  • Disrupt patterns
  • Alter entrenched habits of thought
  • Make our lives meaningful
  • Accept ourselves and believe we are enough

...so that we can be the people/partners/parents we want to be. 

I'm here to guide you through these life skills and help un-do the unhelpful messages you've picked up along the way. 

If you're not living the life you want, let's talk about it. Interested in e-mail coaching? Let me know. 

What's showing up for you is a reflection of how you see yourself. - Oprah

Are You Too Self-Conscious?

I have described my youngest daughter as the most confident person I know. Even as a baby, she would smile as she entered a room as if she could comprehend that everyone already loved her.

Then, around age 5, something changed. Molly started refusing to wear certain clothes. Anything “cute” was out of the question; it had to be “cool.” When I would ask her about the reasons for her clothing choices, she would actually refer to other kids’ thoughts, opinions, comments. This did make me sad. It’s one thing to wear what you really love, another to dress worried about what others will think.

My husband and I wonder if Molly’s self-consciousness has to do with getting so much attention and so many “You’re so cute" comments early on. She seems to want to avoid such attention now and may be too smart to be blissfully unaware. Maybe it’s just part of growing up. But sometimes, it gets in the way.

What does it mean to be self-conscious?

Wikipedia defines self-consciousness as a heightened sense of self-awareness. It seems to be an intense focus on oneself, either on inner thoughts and feelings or as one is viewed by others.

We focus on what other people think of us.

We know ourselves better than anyone else and we know exactly where we fall short of ideal. Combine this with egocentrism - our tendency to view the world from our own perspective - and no wonder we think everyone else is focused on our flaws.

This is normal but not helpful if it keeps us from doing what is important.

Self-consciousness can keep us from speaking, engaging with others or our environment (because focus is inward not outward), participating in activities that are challenging, unfamiliar, or require wearing a swimsuit. :)

Have you ever noticed the difference between posed photos and candids? Subjects are less self-conscious in candids. :)

Self-consciousness can make us think twice about running into the grocery store on a bad hair day (or is that just me?).

What to do about it?

  1. Remind yourself of a phenomenon called the “spotlight effect.”  Thomas Gilovich, PhD, and colleagues coined this term after conducting studies including one in which college students were asked to wear an “embarrassing” t-shirt (of Barry Manilow) and enter a room where others participants were sitting. The students wearing the embarrassing t-shirts were asked to estimate the number of people who noticed the t-shirt. The students wearing the t-shirts overestimated the number of others who noticed (they guessed about 50 percent would notice, but only about 25 percent noticed!). So remind yourself that the spotlight effect leads you to overestimate the amount of attention you’re actually getting.

  2. Watch your mind as it assumes knowledge of what everyone else is thinking of you. Notice your mind when it tells you what’s wrong with you, where you fall short, that you can’t dance, sing, write, speak and that everyone is going to see this if you dare do such things. Just notice the words going through your head. When you’re watching your mind, you’re not in it. Most people do not do this.

  3. Work on accepting everything about yourself and your life. Fully. Sounds like a lot to ask, right? It’s from a place of acceptance that we do great things. So, in full knowledge of your weaknesses and awareness of your thoughts and feelings, stand tall with shoulders back and do what you need to do to make your life workable and meaningful.

 

Want to explore this a little more? Let’s talk.

 

My Favorite Podcasts

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In the past few months, I have a become a big fan of podcasts. I would venture to add podcasts to my "What's Saving My Life" list (more on that list this summer after my "What's Saving My Life" party).

This past week in particular, I listened to MANY podcasts. My husband took our three daughters camping for a few days and podcasts provided company, entertainment and education while I cleaned and organized (but not while I worked of course). Podcasts are my go-to audio for workouts and solo drives. 

I would love to hear about your favorite podcasts (e-mail me or comment below). Here are a few of mine in no particular order. 

Happier with Gretchen Rubin - Author Gretchen Rubin discusses happiness and good habits with her sister Liz Craft.

Happier in Hollywood - Liz Craft (Gretchen Rubin's sister), a TV writer and producer and her writing partner Sarah Fain talk about how to be happier and healthier in a crazy, chaotic, superficial world.  It's light and funny and fascinating to hear about working in Hollywood. 

Selfie - Bloggers Sarah James and Kristen Howerton talk about self care and all sorts of random (often hilarious) topics. 

Good Life Project - Jonathan Fields has conversations with some of my favorite authors, writers and speakers about "living a fully-engaged, fiercely-connected and purpose-drenched life."  Who doesn't want that? 

The Simple Show - Tsh Oxenreider has conversations with co-hosts about breaking down big ideas and saying "yes" to the right things. 

Oprah's SuperSoul Conversations - If you haven't watched or listened to these shows, they are life changing. 

Online Marketing Made Easy with Amy Porterfield - For online entrepreneurs, Amy provides a wealth of helpful information on extending your reach and growing your business. 

 

Enough of "Enough"

If you could eliminate one word from your mental vocabulary, what would it be? For me, it would be "enough."

I wake up already behind without enough sleep. I don't have enough time to do everything.  I'm certainly not good enough to do it all. And then I go to sleep having not accomplished, you guessed it, enough.

Whatever your word (failure, fat, loser, broke, "bad mother," mess...), here is a little coaching tool (from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) to take the sting and power out of the word:

First, take a benign noun like "lemon" or "apple."

Now repeat "lemon" or "apple" over and over again out loud as fast as you can for about 30 seconds.

Then, take your word and repeat it aloud for 30 seconds.

Notice what happens. Does the word become a meaningless combination of sounds?

Good. Because that is all it is.

Who would you be without that word?

You can start filling out your free Blueprint for 2013 planner anytime of year. It's here.

 

 

Don't Treat People The Way They Treat You

How often do we let other people's actions determine how we act?

I don't know how many times I have heard a client say,

"Well, if she's not going to respect me, then I'm not going to respect her."

How other people act is their business.  When you hinge your behavior on that of another person, you are handing over your power. You are not being the person you want to be. You are not acting in line with your values. You are missing out on an opportunity to add meaning to your life.

If being kind is important to you, then you can practice kindness toward others who are unsupportive and even mean.

If you feel judged, you can still be accepting.

Even if you have been hurt, you can act loving.

And when others are hiding and perfecting and presenting, you can still be authentic.

You can be the person you want to be no matter what others do.

Subscribe to these tips on the Blueprint Blog here.

Sign up for the Blueprint newsletter here (and receive your free planner!).

Do You Get Irritated with People?

We all become irritated with others. Some of us walk around in a general state of irritation. I was thinking about what causes this irritation.

It's the words in our heads.

He should...She shouldn't...

The baby shouldn't scream. The kids should clean up.  The teenager shouldn't talk back. My hair should be straight. My husband should appreciate me. Katie should put down her phone.  Larry shouldn't say anything. They should know better. Johnny should agree with me. Old Sally shouldn't write checks at the busy grocery store checkout.

To life coaches, the word "should"is a red flag. It is the root of so much mental angst.

What can help?

Just noticing the reason (the stream of words in your mind) for your irritation can help. Find the words interesting. Recognize, as Byron Katie famously notes, that getting caught up in  the "shoulds" is "arguing with reality."

All the stress that we feel is caused by arguing with what is. -Byron Katie

Stepping outside of and observing your mind allows you to handle challenging situations as your best, calm, non-irritated self.

Want more on this? Click here for one of my most popular posts.