This shouldn’t be happening. She shouldn’t…He should…
How often do you think or say these thoughts? If you have a mind like mine, it is frequent.
Every few minutes, life throws something at us that we don’t want – traffic, dirty dishes, a gray hair, a screaming child, an uncooperative partner or co-worker, disapproval, a difficult project, bills. And then there are the inevitable tragic aspects of life like illness and loss.
These situations bring up uncomfortable or painful feelings – frustration, sadness, anger, fear, vulnerability. Our natural, automatic reaction is to resist.
The reason you think something shouldn’t be happening is because you have a set of rules in your head about how the world should work, how you should be, how others should act. Your set of rules about another person’s behavior is your “manual” on that person.
We walk around all day insisting that life and other people follow our manuals and meet the demands of our minds. Naturally, we want the world and other people to change so we can feel better. And when the outside world conforms, we do feel better. Until something else that shouldn’t be happening does happen.
It can be a roller coaster. Our emotions are at the mercy of people and things out of our control. We can spend much energy struggling with difficult emotions and trying to rearrange people and circumstances in order to feel better.
But what if we tried it the other way around? What if we adjusted our thinking to the world and others? What if it’s an inside job?
What if it’s a matter of managing your mind instead of managing people and situations?
How to gain such freedom? This is where my coaching work, comes in, but here is the first step:
The next time you find yourself thinking that something shouldn’t be happening, step outside of your mind and just notice your thoughts. Your mind might be using words like “He shouldn’t…, or “I can’t handle this.” Also notice that everyone might agree with you (“You’re right, this should not be happening! This is awful! You don’t deserve this!”). But also notice that you are arguing with reality. And that just isn’t useful. It puts you in a place of resistance, irritation, anxiety.
All the stress that we feel is caused by arguing with what is. -Byron Katie
From this place of observing your unhelpful thoughts, coaching can help you uncover the results that stem from those thoughts and then apply various “tools” to the thoughts to get different results.
However, simply noticing your thoughts can reduce their impact. In the situation that “shouldn’t be happening,” you may choose to reduce contact with someone, leave, make a request, pray, express your feelings, do nothing…But your action will come from a place of peace instead of a need to change people or circumstances to feel better.
Sometimes, the people or circumstances change for the better anyway!
Want to see where a thought like “This shouldn’t be happening” takes you? A thought leads to a feeling which leads to an action which creates a result in your life. If you find a feeling, action or result unhelpful, there are coaching “tools” to apply get some space from that thought.
Let me show you how this works. We can work through at least one of your “sticky” thoughts in one coaching session.
The investment for one 50-minute coaching session over the phone is $107. But my package of two sessions is an investment of $179.
To sign up or ask questions, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org
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